Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
why is half of my head shaved?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
