I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
