i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
