I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
