Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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