it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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