I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
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We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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