I think I won the penis lottery.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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