and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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