I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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