i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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