she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
