smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
