Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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