apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
