so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
