She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize