Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
