its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
