I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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