If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
