remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize