wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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