wakey wakey hands off snakey
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
