Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
