I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
