At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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