I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
