i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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