What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
