Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
