What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In other news, I just burned my penis
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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