I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
