yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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