A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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