There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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