I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
