So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
