No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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