We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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