I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
