never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
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You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
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Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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