Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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