And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
