Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
