just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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