There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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