The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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