I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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