Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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