DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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