we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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